I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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