i just made my gag reflex go away.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
