Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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