The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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