Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
