i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
