Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize