just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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