I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
