Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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