Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
