I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
