Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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