the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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