Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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