I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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