Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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