Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
