dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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