I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
