I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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