Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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