My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
The police scanner is talking about you again....
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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