I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
