i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Randomize
