I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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