sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
