Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
It's blow job season.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
