this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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