What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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