i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
