Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
high people should be assigned attendants
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
