i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
