you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
