Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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