So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
