Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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