I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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