don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
