It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
