Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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