allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
