New game: find the sober person in Tbell
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
