Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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