there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
