Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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