I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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