The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Oh god it's open bar.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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