Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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