Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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