I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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