how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
