Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
