You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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