I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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