We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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