First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
