Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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