I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I yelled at your uterus for you.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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