Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
