how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
