U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
