This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
