i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
